20130223-220758.jpgTomorrow is my spiritual birthday. February 24th, at approximately 2:00, 1991, some 22 years ago. I was 22 years of age, when I surrendered my heart and life to The Lord Jesus Christ. It was with great exuberance and many tears, with much hope of Heaven and peace that I surrendered my heart and life.

I had no expectation of much else. Many turn to Christ to solve their problems. I too can do this, and we should. However, I did not believe that all my problems would be taken away by receiving Christ, nor was I promised any such thing.

Today, twenty two years later, I still struggle with many of the same struggles that I did some twenty two years ago. I know, that’s a horrible admission of someone whose known Christ as long as I have and especially someone whose supposed to be a mature Christian as a ministry leader, but its true. Though my struggles are not as strong as they once were. I have put many boundaries and relationships in place to help me with such, still the struggles remain.

Fortunately I’m not alone in my struggles. Some fear I cause people to be discouraged when I use the word “struggle.” However, our struggles are infinitesimal compared to so many in the world’s history. I just got out of the movie Lincoln and am reminded of how deeply fortunate we all are. They knew struggle, especially the slave man or woman. Certainly we can be slaves to our struggles as well, especially if we think we are alone or unique in them, so I share to not have you think that you are alone.

20130223-220900.jpgOn most Saturday’s, my son Seth is my companion. If we are not doing something as a family, Seth and I are always most assuredly off on some adventure. Today was different, to my despair, as I am so fond of the company of my son. Today, Seth (13) decided that he wanted to ride to Sumter, with his friends on the school bus, to cheer their school basketball team on in their championship game. Seth wanted to do this on his own. I dropped him off at the bus, after we picked up lunch. Julie and Caroline were also busy doing things of their own and I was left alone. It wouldn’t have been bad if it were a beautiful day or if I were well enough to run or workout or ride, do yard work, etc. I, however, was trapped with a sinus infection on a cold rainy day–all alone.

I never mastered being alone. I do not believe that I was created with the personality to do well alone. From as early as I can remember, I could not stand being alone and would struggle, when I was alone. There were and are also times alone that The Lord has spoken to me and I have found much solace. However, more times than not I do not care for being alone.

As a child, I was mostly alone. My sister was 3 1/2 years older than me and we were not close. My father was always working or traveling, and when home was usually spending time with my sister in some form of athletics. I would play alone, either hours on end with legos, a train set I was fortunate enough to have, many toys, in local creeks, etc., but usually always alone. There were local boys but they typically made fun of me. If they were nice to me, I was never allowed to have children in our home. I had two twin beds in my room, but never encouraged or allowed to have sleep overs, nor was I ever invited to have one at any sort of friend’s.

We moved a great many times after age eleven, and changed from public to private to public schools. All the above made for a lonely life that I was never any good at. A companion, of sorts, I had was a dog that loved to roam that I did not see too often. I found much joy in one house we had that backed up to two ponds that I fished at every day, but we only lived there for one year.

One of the things that drew me to the gay life was friendships, love, and acceptance; though I found it to be short lived and selfish.

After accepting Christ, it was a very hard time for me. I felt The Lord tell me to leave all my gay relationships, so then I was completely alone. Fortunately I had a dog, named Freckles, that was always there waiting on me and I often took him everywhere with me. It wasn’t long that The Lord had me start reaching out to men in the church and telling my story and asking for help. Relationships grew, but I was still left often alone. I would say that a big reason that I left the lifestyle was for family, a wife and children, and a life long companion.

Today, I love my family and I love my relationships with godly men and women in my life. I still struggle with many of the same things that I did some 22 years ago, especially loneliness. I leave to pick my son up soon, and I’ll be glad to see him. However, there will be lonely times again for sure–short or long rides in the car, times alone at the house, etc. I’m not always strong in those times, but I know that I’m not alone. The Lord is here with me and I know that many others are out there in the same struggle. We are not alone. I pray that The Lord provides us the solace we need in our struggles, and in our loneliness. Surely, He will provide.

10 thoughts on “The Struggle of Loneliness

  1. That last sentence that you wrote says it all, “Surely, He will provide.” And the question is will we believe that He will give/provide for us in our time of need. I remember when I felt so alone and I foolishly turned to pornography, thinking that it would give me solace. Well we can easily be decieved by the deceitfulness of sin and I surely was. During that time I didn’t believe that God would provide so I tried to seek out solace since I didn’t trust that He would. During those times that we are alone we need to lean on the Lord and not on our own understanding. Whether the Lord provides us with a friend, or a group of other fellow Christians, or peace through his Word, all the provision comes from Him. He will provide in what He feels is best for us. Your will, not mines.

    1. Thanks Brian. That’s awesome! Absolutely. I too have turned to inappropriate material countless times for solace during loneliness and it never does. You’re only left with emptiness and shame after its over, feeling way worse than before. Then the addiction is the going back because you feel bad over and over and over. Praise God there’s grace and mercy, and provision, if we’ll only turn to Him and how and where He’s provided for us.

      1. Brian did what I hope many of you will do. He friend requested me on Facebook and private messaged me. I got permission from Brian to publish his comments here and our upcoming newsletter, and elsewhere. I know this will encourage you as it did me.

        Hi McKrae,

        I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time now and I really enjoy every post that you make. As a guy who struggles with same-sex attractions and has had a history of sexual sin, pornography, and looking for love and acceptance, I can so relate to your story and as I read your blog it encourages and gives me hope. Many times I feel guilty if I am tempted with these same-sex attractions, thinking that if I’m tempted I have sinned but I’m learning that it’s not the SSA that is sin but “giving in” to them which is sin. Anyways I will continue to read your blog and continue running the race that is set before us–I know that I will!


        Thanks so much Brian for that encouraging testimony! This will encourage many others. I pray that many others will do as you have done.

        They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. (Revelation 12:11 NIV84)

  2. McKrae, I, too, struggle with loneliness: and I wonder why when God is so near. We are human and He wants us to draw near to Him. Recently He drew ‘so near’ in my car while I was on a trip: He was so precious, and His presence filled my car in such a powerful way that it caused me to weep with a great flood of tears. I was not alone but in His presence. I cherish that experience. He is a forever friend who loves being with us. I appreciate your heart McKrae and admire you very much. God bless you McKrae.

  3. Happy Re-Birth Day McKrae. I am very glad to know you. Thanks for also sharing about your struggle with loneliness. As a long term single I kind of have a clue on that subject :). I will pray for you to not be lonely when you are alone because like you said He is always present. I also liked the scenes you painted about growing up. It reminded me of the scenes I grew up in as a child in Tennessee.

  4. In the very recent days I’ve experienced loneliness like I’ve NEVER experienced it in my life. In fact, when you first posted this, I still had not hit the intensity, that came on Sunday. After a whole day of being with my youngest son, who has recently moved out with his older brother, I then went to a new church where I’m trying to find a feeling of home. They were having a spcial worship night. I enjoyed it tremendously, and yet afterwards, it was just me again. No one to greet me as friend in the foyer….again. Today the sadness of my marital separation swallowed me whole. I wasn’t even HAPPY, but to be alone was so darn heavy, I found tears over and over. I was reminded of your blog, and so came to read it again. I know God is near, I know His eyes are on me. I too have been saved many years, but this new struggle is nothing shy of HARD! I will come through it. I will believe His plan for me is true. I will believe He’s not finished yet. I will be stronger for it. But yesterday and today were NO FUN!

    1. Thank you Mara-Lee for sharing. No fun indeed! But God is faithful. I get in the car or an empty house and think–who can I call. I need community. I can’t always find it. In those times I often struggle but God is there the whole time. I could choose to talk to Him instead. That is a choice that I try to chose. Sometimes I think The Lord doesn’t allow anyone else to be there so I’m only left with Him. Let’s talk to Him! He’d love to hear from us!

Leave a Comment